August 29, 1996

Meet the Keeper of All Knowledge

By: Susan Pronovost

Life is hard.

Wouldn't it be nice if we had a manual to help us over the rough spots? Wouldn't it be even better if we had a person who knew the answers to EVERYTHING?

Liza Vann is that person - well, almost. And she's bringing her one-woman show, and her answers, to The Schoolhouse Theater and Gallery in Croton Falls for three shows Sept 6-8.

"The Top of the Bottom Half (An Evening with the Keeper of All Knowledge)" is Ms. Vann's way of sharing her knowledge with the rest of us... and it saves us hefty phone bills because now we don't have to call her and ask her all these things.

"For all of my life, I just get asked everything," Ms. Vann said in her fast-talking southern accent. "Questions from 'where can I buy a Toyota in New York?' to 'I think I want to have a baby. Is December a good time to have a baby?'

"And for years people have been telling me, 'your bottom lines are always right on', "she continued. So, she figured she might as well create a show that bestows onto her audience some of the wisdom she has acquired from... well, from living.

"It's a monologue." Ms. Vann told The Patent Trader this week. "I just get on the stage and start talkin'. I don't have characters, except that I have 11 brothers and sisters and various friends and they all pop up in the monologue."

Ms. Vann's style is straight-talking, fast talking and funny talking.

A lot of her "lessons" are humorous: a lot aren't - just like life.

The seventh of 12 children (the top of the bottom half), Ms. Vann has lived a life that has brought her a lot of things and taught her a lot of things. It has given her a unique perspective on life, family and relationships. It's a perspective that will make audiences laugh and think (sometimes at the same time!).

Within the Evening With the Keeper of All Knowledge, Ms. Vann shares with her audiences her 17 Rules of Life: "seven do's, seven don'ts and three just because," she said. These rules include such things as "don't look for bad things, they'll find you", "you don't have to make the mistake to learn the lesson" and the overwhelming favorite "you don't have to jump out of the car if you can't make a pig noise!" (It should make sense once you see the show.)

The rules are simple, and if you heed the rules, life should work in a more orderly, efficient way. The Keeper of All Knowledge says so.

Ms. Vann is an actress and a producer, and divides her time between the stage and independent feature film. She produced the award-winning drama, "The Radicals" and is most recently attached to an adaptation of "The Magician" by W. Somerset Maugham, currently in development.

She co-wrote "The Top of the Bottom Half" with Katherine Griffith because, as Ms. Vann said, "I'm an actress. I'd rather eat dirt then write." But the material is still very much Ms. Vann. Still very witty. Still very funny. Still very serious. And, most importantly, still very real.